Why wont my mouth just shut up!

Ever find yourself at the market talking to the meat department guy who's just asked you if you've got your big turkey yet and you find yourself responding, "We don't really like the dark meat, so I just got two big breasts."?
No? That's cause you're not me. 

Poor man...you could almost see him thinking "don't look! don't look! don't look!"

I like to think I'm pretty witty. And I am, if it just randomly comes out of my mouth when not in the middle of an actual conversation, I can be sorta funny...or slightly offensive, depending on your general sensitivity.  But if you're actually trying to have a conversation with me, suddenly I'm channeling Pee Wee Herman. 

There's one moment that will live in infamy inside my own head....

A few years back I went out with a few girlfriends for a girl's night out.  We were all looking pretty spiffy if I do say so myself. However, and this happens ALL the time, while the other ladies will get the occasional guy try to start a conversation or buy them a drink...this never happens to me (which I'm good with, cause that kinda creeps me out...and I'm sure Al wouldn't be to thrilled with either!). My cousin told me its cause I give out this "back away slowly" vibe...I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not... 
     ANYHOW...so there we are having a great time, poor sad men walking away from the girls in defeat, and not one has talked to me...until our very cute bartender (who probably felt a little sorry for me and thought he'd make my night) came over to me with my drink and a little bowl of limes and started talking to me.  Now I suppose this broke some kind of barrier because before long a nice looking guy sat down next to me said hi and then said I must really like lime in my beer...here it was... a never-before moment... a guy trying to talk to me at a bar... what was my great "bar talk" answer?  My "I'm super hot and you're lucky to be talking to me" answer?

"Yup! Limes are good! They keep away the scurvy!"

THE SCURVY!!!! 

It was like I'd yelled some foul curse word at the man.  The girls all kinda slowly turned to look at me with just a look of horror on their faces.  And the guy...well he just smiled...like you would at a crazy person...and said "that's good to know" and walked away.  The cute bartender was just cracking up.  I caught him looking my way while talking to some of the other workers...so I'm sure the entire staff got a good chuckle out of it!

   It happens every time...even the people who know me, every once in a while after I say something spectacular like that, will just smile at me a nod with that look in their eyes that says "Wow! maybe someone dropped her on her head!"

Now this is a kind of Jekyll and Hyde thing for me....
One one hand...well there's very little pressure on me to make witty conversation.  My people just don't expect it, so if by some miracle it happens, WOW, everyone's impressed! But if it doesn't...well that's just the way I roll!   On the other hand... DARN it I am a well educated, intelligent woman with wonderful thoughts and ideas! WHY wont my mouth cooperate? Its very hard to impress people with how awesome I am when I'm blurting out facts about SCURVY!!!

I don't know...I guess its a very good thing I got married so young and we've managed to stick it out...cause there's NO WAY I'd be a successful "dater"...unless I hung out a pirate conventions, they're always worried about scurvy.